Aiseki Kagami
by A Nicole That Morphs
Summary: A character sketch of Alexander O. Howell, and his feelings about his 'Chief' Kagami. This takes place after the end of AnC and before the Gaiden Novels. (WARNING: SPOILERS)


__

Aiseki Kagami

****

Author's Note: The title translates (roughly) as 'Missing Kagami', for those who were wondering. Although, it could also be 'Missing Mirror', since 'Kagami' means mirror. ::nods:: but in this case it's the name of our favorite love-to-hate character, Kagami.

****

Disclaimer: I don't own Ayashi No Ceres, or the characters, which is good, because if I did Yuhi definitely wouldn't've had such a hard time with the women and Howell and Kagami would've been having sex in every scene that Howell wasn't crying in. ^^;;

It's been months since the last time I saw him, and I still can't get him out of my mind. I've tried to move on, to get better work someplace else, but his dream has overshadowed my own. I understand that he manipulated me, perhaps not as badly as he manipulated others, but I came to love him and his warped vision. His desire to find humans with celestial blood matched, if not overshadowed, my love of angels. From the beginning I had my misgivings about the C-Project, but when I looked Kagami in the face, I could never bring myself to voice any of them, at least not until later, when my concern for his safety was enough to form those doubtful thoughts into words. I went along with his strange plans because I envied his genius and adored his appreciation for what I did. He alone seemed to realize my genius and he treated me like a genius; he trusted all the advice I gave and the inventions I came up with. There were times when I betrayed him, when I simply couldn't stand by and watch him destroy the lives of those around him, but he never seemed to get angry with me; he always accepted me when I returned back to him. He never asked questions about why I did what I did; he never really scolded me for anything. It was the perfect business relationship.

Eventually, it evolved. Our relationship dug itself into my mind until I couldn't get it out of my head. And then Kagami worked his way into my heart. Perhaps it was just another level of control to him, but he knew I was falling in love with him. He seemed to feel the same way about me. Now…now that he's gone, I regret the fact that I never managed to work up the courage to ask him if we had anything other than a business relationship. I'm supposed to be a genius, yet I could never find the courage or the words to ask Kagami anything personal. And in return, he told me nothing. I never knew anything about his past, and I only vaguely understood what drove him to do what he did.

I still remember the look on his face when he told me to get on the helicopter as the ship was burning. I tried to get him to come with me, but I knew I would never be able to convince him. For all the times he listened to me, he ignored me just as often. Perhaps he realized somewhere along the line that he had been wrong to destroy people to achieve his goals. Or maybe he had lost his motivation when Aki first transformed. Maybe things because a bit too serious for him, too risky, when he realized he could no longer control Aki.

I'll never know. I can only sit and speculate now. I can only fabricate reasons for why he insisted that I survive. Maybe he knew I would continue his dream because of my love for him, and in the end perhaps that was his ultimate triumph: to know that even if he died, his dream would live on. It doesn't really matter now if he loved me or not, and if he had survived it still wouldn't matter. I'm bound to him; my mind is ensnared by him. I'm his servant, whether he's alive or dead.

I know that I'm continuing his dream in my own way, so in a manner of speaking it's my dream now. Kagami probably wouldn't be happy if he were here now, supervising me. I wish he were here. If I could have one wish granted at this point, that would be it. 

I refuse to hurt people to continue Kagami's dream, because in the end, I believe he realized it was wrong. And although I don't think that allowing himself to burn in that ship took away his sins, I think he did what he felt he had to do. And, like Kagami always used to do, he ignored everyone else's feelings when he did it. In all honesty, I don't think I ever thought he cared about me until he looked out for my safety on that burning ship. If he had simply wanted to get the package off the boat to save his legacy, he could've easily given it to Wei or one of his other henchmen. The very fact that he would trust me with something so important to him makes me proud. It makes me feel as though I served him well. 

Naturally, there's a part of my mind and my heart that still believes--no, not believes, insists—that Kagami is still alive. I remember one instance in particular when I was working in the lab and could've sworn I saw his reflection in the window. But when I turned to the doorway where he should've been, he wasn't there. Of course he wasn't. And even though I was convinced it was simply my mind playing tricks on me, I couldn't help the tears that came. I simply broke down right there in the lab, and fell to the floor sobbing, all work forgotten about. I know that my soul still cries out for him, and if he were still alive I know that he would hear it and come back to me.

Oh, God, I miss him so much it's a constant ache in my chest. Over the past few weeks I've barely been able to work in the lab without breaking down and crying out for him. If there were anyone else working with me I might be able to contain my feelings, my broken, bleeding heart. But I'm here, by myself. And nothing can take my mind off of him. Especially not when my mind is working against me. Every time I discover something new, I turn around, ready to call out to him and show him my findings, only to remember that no matter how often I call out to him, he'll never come. I've often thought of seeking professional help for these lingering feelings. But I don't want to hear someone else tell me I'm crazy. I know that it's driving me insane, I don't need to pay someone to tell me that. I just don't want to hear it from someone else. Because in my mind, I'm not crazy. I'm grieving. Although sometimes I'm not sure if I'm grieving because Kagami's dead, or grieving because my love for him was never realized. And I know that if it is the latter, it's no one's fault but my own. I certainly had plenty of opportunities where I was alone with him, where I could've easily asked him, or told him, or implied, or inquired…the list just goes on and on. But whenever I said his name, and whenever he acknowledged me and wasn't lost in his own thoughts, I simply couldn't find the words. I practically melted in my place whenever his eyes, however cold and calculating, turned my way.

I sound like a schoolgirl with a crush, I know. And now that I think about it, it's a little embarrassing and humbling that someone my age should still be going through something as childish as this. Of course, I suppose it's over now. Maybe now I'll finally grow up a little, at least when it comes to the way I handle that kind of thing. But I don't want to ever forget Kagami, or the way he made me feel. I don't think I could ever really forget him. After everything we went through together; the times he yelled at me, the times I yelled at him, the massacres I witnessed and miraculously survived only to see the shocked and almost concerned look on Kagami's face as he asked me what happened, and the final look on his face when he handed me the package on the ship and told me to leave; there's no way I could ever forget him. A large portion, the best portion, of my life was devoted to him and his project. And I feel that a larger part of my future will be committed to his dream and his legacy as well.

No matter how crazy I might seem to others, all of this makes perfect sense to me. As I sit here and watch the days go by, trying to busy myself with various kinds of work, I always feel Kagami's ominous presence, almost as if he never left. And who knows; maybe he never really did. 


End file.
